Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wildstorm Subsiding...

Wildstorm has always been kind of an oddity to me since I got acquainted with it as I was also re-acclimating myself with comics at large during my college years (about eight-ish years or so ago). I knew what WildCATS was obviously - I was absorbed into the world of comics right in the thick of the 90's - it just took me a while to realize it was now an entity of DC. I heard all this buzz about these books called PLANETARY and THE AUTHORITY that I had to get on the bandwagon, at which point I saw there was a lot more to this imprint than just being a refuge for Jim Lee and his Image properties. There was this universe there sure but for the most part it just seemed like a place to put the more "miscellaneous" titles. Superhero books that were more "edgy" than your usual thoroughfare, and that benefited by being in the "larger scheme" that a shared universe could bring to the table, but not really ever needing to acknowledge it if you know what I'm saying. They weren't constrained by the big picture, because it's not exactly something that came into focus much since all the books were doing their own thing.

And there was so much great stuff at that time too. The aforementioned Warren Ellis creations, Joe Casey was still working wonders with the WildCATS themselves, and Ed Brubaker was showing off what I still think is his best work to date in SLEEPER.
These books all had such energy going for them, and combined with some long-running classics like Kurt Busiek's ASTRO CITY (sporadically of course, but still apparent) I thought this was pretty much as good a line of comic books as you got. Slowly though, that's sadly started to change.

One of the first "blows" obviously had to be Casey's WildCATS 3.0 coming to an early end. Critically lauded, but not the greatest of sellers, which is a shame because Casey was really working some big ideas and putting some great new twists on the concept of the Superhero, now in the 21st Century. I guess there was a sort of "push" to integrate the line back together again, show that they did indeed intertwine by having the COUP D'ETAT storyline, which had consequences for all the books, including SLEEPER and was designed (I assume) to push the Authority more towards the next logical step for the group: Controlling the United States. Honestly though, as someone who was reading the majority of the books from the imprint at the time, this looked like a bad idea from the get-go, and it played out that way too. Like I said earlier, the reason I think these books even worked in the first place is their autonomy, and tying them in together in a somewhat "event" fashion really didn't do them any favors. It's sad that WildCATS 3.0 wasn't working from a sales perspective, but that's the price you pay for being different I guess.

Now, the universal approach wasn't really working out, especially since the books that people really cared about were either not related at all (like Astro City still) or so loosely related they really didn't notice the Authority's power bid and just kept doing what it is they did oh so well (PLANETARY and SLEEPER). But again some quality stuff emerged, in the form of more non-universe related books, and again still, stuff more on the "fringe" that didn't quite fit with any one company but had that "Wildstorm Feel" as a creative venue. These being books like Brian K. Vaughan's EX MACHINA and another Warren Ellis creation, DESOLATION JONES. And when they came out, these books were easily amongst the best out there, the point I've really been trying to make this entire time. Just like Vertigo has established itself as the place for books "on the edge" I've always thought Wildstorm worked best on the "fringe" like I said just a second ago. The universe approach might have been failing, but with creative endeavors like Ex Machina and Desolation Jones, and still with Astro City and Planetary occasionally showing up to the party, do you really need it to work when it's failed to before?

Apparently, a couple years later, someone still thinks they do.

The Wildstorm panel at Comic-Con this year was dedicated to the premise of stripping the books back down and setting a backdrop for Wildstorm as a whole (this would be the reason why I decided to go on this little trip down memory lane). After the Grant Morrison debacle of '06 with the "flagship" books this imprint rode on, I thought things would go back to the "put it out there and see" approach, which I was a fan of because it was giving us books like STORMWATCH PHD and Gail Simone's WELCOME TO TRANQUILITY and so on. Now, I'm not going to dismiss this "re-allignment" of sorts as this could really work out to reinvigorate these books. I just worry that there'll be too much focus yet again on making things "Universe Friendly" at the sake of letting creativity reign. WildCATS 3.0 might not have worked, but while it was out there it was excellent and that can never be taken away.

I personally think there just needs to be more emphasis on creating more new proprietary stuff, or even related yet creator owned characters, that can play in the universe and use some toys, but not depend on it to tell its stories. The INVINCIBLE approach so to say, in that how occasionally invites some of the scarce but fellow Image superheroes like Savage Dragon or how he shows up randomly in different title here and there, but his story is still all his own and there's really no Universal effects to be seen or had because there's only a Universe in the loosest sense of the comic book term. The fact that we rarely see more brand new creator-owned products from the WS imprint makes me worry as to how much of a priority they put on scouting them. And the plethora of movie and television show adaptations that have been funneling through there fill me with no less than a sense of dread. It really does seem that there's no real sense of identity for Wildstorm these days and the cohesiveness they're looking to bank on has never really worked for them before.

I don't want to be all gloom and doom though, because there is some quality talent involved in this project it looks. Christos Gage seems to be a big ingredient in the mix, and his Stormwatch PHD was a good example of what I've been saying all along about playing in the sandbox, but using the toys however you wish. If this is a sign they're going to adopt that approach, there may be hope yet. Pulling in Abnett and Lanning, who are doing stellar work on Marvel's cosmic branch right now in NOVA and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY also helps appease my worry. Combine this undertaking with a plan to find more material in sync with something like the Ex Machina's and Desolation Jones', or to create something like a Sleeper within the universe, then maybe a storm really is on the horizon.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Anyone wanna design me a logo for this thing?

I'm incompetent and lazy, but will make it worth your while by, uh, buying you a six pack and not hitting on your sister? I'll do something, whatever, just make it cool and snazzy looking okay? Awesome...

Friday, July 25, 2008


Something horrible has happened. Something I never ever foresaw coming to be. Something that makes me wake in a cold sweat in the middle of the night with a queasy sensation typically reserved only for those that just found out they're going to be a parent for the first time...

... I dropped below sixty books on my pull list.

I KNOW!! It's fucking anarchy it is. I have no idea how this situation sneaked up on me like it did. Just like an STD, you're going about your business per usual, you're washing your bits in the shower and BAM! you find a growth the size of fucking Topeka poking out of the forest. Terrible, just terrible...

But, there is some good in this. This means I've got some flexibility in the old pull list again. I can go ahead and do some more experimenting on what I decide to spend my hard earned "I didn't go nuts and gun down everyone at work" dough for being such a diligent worker at Monotony Central. So what do we go for here. What should I try to expand my comic booking horizons and add some meat to the already rather filling allotment of books I buy? Do I go out and find some more Indie projects to expand my knowledge of what's out in the industry? Or do I maybe stick closer to home and just find some mainstream Big Two books I've been neglecting? My pull does feel rather light on the Fisticuffs and Spandex crowd. Maybe. Let's break this down.

Admittedly, my first reaction is to go to the Image or Dark Horse, more the former than the latter. Part of it would be because, well, I really do tend to not care as much about Marvel and DC as much as I used to. Part of it is just because they're in full-on event mode, and neither one of their offerings intrigues me at all. Another would be, well, I guess I'm just a little bit of an elitist when it comes to my comics. I want the best and only the best, nothing wrong with that, and honestly, the best typically comes from these two companies these days, at least when comparing them to DC and Marvel direct. Vertigo is still king IMO, but I already buy enough from that line.

I still love my superhero books, don't get me wrong their either, but quite frankly, and again IMO, if you have anywhere near a decent comic book budget (say 20+ books a month. If all you can afford is a handful of books a month, by all means, get your Batman fix or whatever and be happy) and all you buy are mainline superhero comic books, well then you're a bit of an asshole. And the converse is true too. If you're spending all your wad on just Indie books or less mainstream work like what Vertigo has to offer and so on, and not at least maybe getting your Superman on, then what the fuck is the point? Comics, arguably more so than any form of media out there, can and are about anything you want them to be. To waste all your time on just one genre, or completely avoiding it is to not be using your Comic Books for what they're worth. If books like FABLES, FEAR AGENT, DMZ, WASTELAND, CASANOVA, WALKING DEAD, CRIMINAL, FELL, and on and on can't muster any enthusiasm out of you they're you're either the most boring person ever, or don't even know what I'm talking about when I name drop books like those. It's like telling me all you watch on the teley are Sitcoms. That's bullshit. Expand your horizons or GTFO. Buy SCALPED you bastards, it's better than probably 99% of what you're buying right now.

End rant. Moving on.

So, DH and Image are out, and I don't really see anything from the outside like Avatar or IDW et al, and like I said I've been kind of hankering for more Supes stuff, probably thanks to them being so prominent this summer in the Box Office and how much fun I've had watching movies this summer thanks to that. The dilemna continues though: there's really not much left to pick from there either. I pretty much buy what I believe to be the best from both companies, with some person exceptions even though I know the books are good (like how I'm not buying the GREEN LANTERN stuff because I'm already getting my Cosmic fix from the Marvel equivalent like NOVA and GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY, which I think are just as good as the ring-bearing equivalent and I just tend to lean more that company's way when it comes to those types of books). But I've got my CAPTAIN AMERICA's and JSA's and THOR's covered, and while I might be jonesing for more comics I'm not about to buy average or subpar ones to fill out the roster. What to do, what to do.

Be patient, that's what.

One of the best things about comics, there's always more coming. I might have been down on Comic Con a couple days ago, but it's not like comics do get totally forsaken there. You've just got to stay on your toes. We already knew that James Robinson was going to be starting a new JLA series soon, lets start there. STUMPTOWN coming this fall, if you don't know what that is then you deserve to be slapped. Greg Rucka doing creator owned Crime Fiction. That's all I have to say. AGENT OF ATLAS ongoing? Sign me up. And no sooner do I drop the PUNISHER MAX series that word comes down Jason Aaron may in fact write it for a bit. I'll tentatively pencil that back in. Give me more people, give me more. I've got an addiction to feed and I've already tied off my arm (the irony not being lost on me that I use a heroin metaphor after dropping Jason Aaron's name). My stack of TPBs to the side is only shin deep right now. That's like, two weeks tops. Feed me. Feed me Seymour! *breaks out in musical*

... actually, lets not do that.

Time to break get my COMIC BOOK TATTOO on finally. This is gonna be good.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Comic Book Tattoo...

For those of you who don't know, is an Anthology-like book that just came out from Image yesterday. Every story is told using influence from a Tori Amos song, though I'm not exactly sure on the context of how. I don't know if it's a passing reference, or just using imagery from them or whatnot, but what I do know is that this compilation is some 400+ pages, weighs in at several pounds, is almost double the width of your normal comic, and is one of the most gorgeous things I've ever seen in all my years of comic booking.

Cover by Jason Levesque
I honestly had no clue what to expect with this monstrosity. I didn't even pay attention to anything in the solicits for it besides that it was an anthology with some really solid talent listed like Jonathan Hickman, Christopher Mitten, Mike Dringenberg (of who I'll get back to in a second), Ryan Kelly, Colleen Doran, Pia Guerra, and with promises of raw, undiscovered ability to be showcased as well. The "theme" of the book was tertiary, I just enjoy seeing new talent, which is why I've been a fan of such books like the FLIGHT series or now the POPGUN collections. Yes, they're always a mixed bag, anthologies always are, but in my experience the good typically outweighs the not so good. There's something kind of beautiful about short bursts of pure talent like the stories in books like these, and the emotions they can harness in just a few scant pages. They themselves may tend to get lost in amongst each other and the weight of the book, but at the time they can hit quite hard, and leave just that bit of ephemeral feeling around your brain and the pages as you move on to the next story. It might not always work either, you might not get invested enough in the shortness of the tales, or some of them might just not hit you hard or gently enough depending in the time they have/use, but I always thought that was quite something to behold if and when it does work, and more often than not they do.

Really, what astounds me about this new influx into this section of the comics' world is the presentation. Now this, this is the kind of comic book you could commit a harsh police interrogation with. Sadly I haven't really had a chance to read it yet so I can't comment on that, but just from a quantity standpoint alone this has to be one of the greatest deals in comics. I don't know how or why this is only at the $30 price tag, but at the least I think they're a lot of explaining to do as to why I'll probably be reading this for a month at thirty bones, and yet my stack of single issues this week cost me half over that.

And yes, it does look gorgeous. As if that cover weren't enough, it gets even better inside. I mentioned Hickman and Kelly and Guerra, but there's a ten page... exhibition I guess you could say by an artist named Kako that is jaw dropping. One of the most stunning examples of comic book art I've seen in a long while. Andy MacDonald, Eric Canete, Dean Trippe, James Stokoe, and lets not forget David Mack. Those are some talented people, and the rest of the book holds its own on the whole. The Jonathan Hickman piece alone might have inspired a new tattoo for me, which, speaking of, this is called COMIC BOOK TATTOO after all, I'd be remiss if I didn't show off my little contribution to that term:

And now you all know just how big a geek I really am. But when I'm presented with something like CBT, how can I not be? It's stuff like this that really makes me love comics, no matter where they come from. If only people were a little bit more passionate about them besides as means of escapism, imagine what we could accomplish, or where the industry might go. It's fun to think about at the least.


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Whale's Vagina

Comic Con is upon us again. The time of the year when the comic book industry stands up and shouts "We still exist! Pay us monies for our shit so you can make movies out of it and we can feel somewhat legitimate as an art form!" or at least that's how I see it, over-exaggeratedly of course.

Apparently this show is the Mecca as they want to call it, the be all end all of comic book shows, but I dunno. The more I've paid attention to it these past couple years, and the more it has garnered steam what with it being the place all the big new summer movies get debuted now that Comic Book franchises are dominating the Box Office or new shows get trailered and so on, it just doesn't really seem to me like comics are actually the main focus of this monstrosity even though they're at its core, if you get me.

Now, I've never been to one of these, so obviously I could just be talking out of my ass but I really don't have much enthusiasm to actually go to it anytime really. Like I was just saying up above, sure there will be comics, and there'll be vendors and writers signing books and artists doing sketchwork, Marvel and DC I'm sure will make some over-hyped announcements that fanboys will wig out over but really don't mean dick all said and done while "lesser" books get completely overlooked and forgotten. Fuck, I mean, does Vertigo even do a panel at this thing anymore? Anyways. And yes, there will be cosplayers en mass in their quaint little PVC creations or, god bless 'em, furries. And there will be sets and posters and replicas, apparently the Owl ship from Watchmen is set up and ready to go.

There's just so much going on, and so many distractions, it just really doesn't seem to me like there's more than just a phantom presence of comics themselves there. It more seems like SDCC is the place to go if you have some little creation of yours that you think some Hollywood scout might hit you up on for some cool licensing cash than anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I don't want that to sound harsh, but I don't think it's too far off the mark.

We're even getting to the point where they're calling it the "Pop Culture" event of the year. Were they calling it that before Spider-Man made almost half a billion dollars not so long ago? As I type this I'm looking around and it looks as thought two Matt Fraction and a Rob Liefeld creation have been opted already, and we're not even on day one. Good for them of course, but I think this is what I'm jibing at. Again, I guess I'll never know until I go, and please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think my hatred of large crowds will probably ever stop me from doing so. Well, that and having to spend probably around $600 just to get to and stay there the weekend. I just like the smaller scale really. Chicago was always perfect when I went for having a good sized crowd but not overwhelmingly big and it gave you lots of options for the weekend but you could always remember your way around and to all the cool stuff you picked out as you paraded around in whatever your hearts' desired.

Maybe I'll go someday, but for now I think I'm fine with watching coverage of the highlights on G4. Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be returning to Chicago in the future, it's starting to feel a little played out to me. Mostly I liked going just to hang out with Bendis Boarders and the Chitown contingent from AICN, but now I want to start getting excited about the con I'm going to itself, not just who I'm going to be rooming with there. HeroesCon may be the way to go for the next couple summers as I try and find that con that feels "just right". My Goldilocks con, the one with the perfect sized crowd, more emphasis on just having guests and artists than making "Internet breaking" announcements, and that I don't have to pawn off family heirlooms to afford... or sell bodily fluids.

Ah well. This is me easing back into talking about comics and other geeky stuff here. No more personal rants about my sorry lack of love life. Soon I think I'm going to start doing something I always wanted to do for the AICN site but didn't think anyone would interest anyone there, re-reading and acclimating myself to more "neglected" books with a decent length to their lives and recapping/reviewing them, stuff like WASTELAND or FEAR AGENT or SCALPED and so on. Those consistently good to great books that tend to fall under the radar you know? Because they're just that: consistent. Apparently people only pay real attention if you slap a SECRET INVASION banner on it. Fuck that, I want to talk about real comics.

Anyways, time to go off and finally get to watch SPACED for the first time. I've waiting bloody ages to get to see this thing.

Also, in case no one has noticed, I decided to join in with some of the trendy kids and Twitter up. Catch it here.


Saturday, July 19, 2008

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Yeah, that's kind of an easy title, but I decided to go with it. For those of you who got it early on (meaning you saw that lovable little movie I decided to riff on), I'll give you respite time to stop groaning at it. For those of you that didn't, well then here we go...

People are many things tangible and intantible; many shapes, many sizes, many personalities, many attitudes, many ambitions, etc etc etc. There's also something that many of us also tend to be: Wasteful pieces of shit.

Blunt and heavy-handed sure, but true. And I know this doesn't go for everyone, but I see this every day and it's terribly shocking to me, and if there's anything that anyone knows me to be, it's jaded towards the tendencies and attitudes of the people around me. It's rare that I'm surprised by what people do, but this is one of those things that I'm still kind of boggled by.

Those of you that don't know me from Adam should know this: I work in Hotel Catering. What this means is everyday I'm exposed to the consumption habits of dozens, sometimes hundreds of people, whether it be from a business meeting with Coffee and Soda and so on all the way to Served dinners and the like. And man, the amount of shit we as people go through is staggering. And actually, the worst part of it is the amount of stuff that we don't go through. Let me elaborate.

For the past two days we've had a meeting summit for 200 people in our Ballroom. In the past two days I've seen consumption of at several hundred cans of soda and bottled water alone. Care to wager how many of those were even fully used? Care to wager how much of these consumables were opened for just a sip and left for refuse? It'd be a lot more than you'd think. Care to wonder where all this debris winds up since this unfortunately my property has only a scant recycling policy (cardboard only is all they've arranged for pick up sadly)? Yeah, that's right.

Even though our particular property doesn't have a recycling policy, well, I do. And I shit you not, me, just one little Shift Supervisor working barely in the outskirts of a decent sized "major city" collect and drop off somewhere in the realm of 60-70 pounds of plastic and aluminum to be recycled in a month. Let me repeat that: I myself drop off 70 POUNDS of material to be recycled in a month. That's half an average person. Shit, that's more than my 52" rear projection TV weighs. And like I said, this is just one little place in one little spec in all of the world. Don't even get me started on the amount of food gets tossed away during catered meals. It's disgusting in a way, especially when most days I come home to see a newsletter from WorldVision or whatever staring me in the face asking me if I have money for a donation this month (those bastards and their Ethiopian poster children. They always know how to get me).

Why do I bring all this up? Well, fuck, it should always be brought up. But one of the biggest and best movies of the year, Wall-E (see? it all comes around eventually) has taken a little bit of shit here and there about it's rather blatant message about the state of the world and litter. There's many little jabs and undertones throughout the movie, but this is the most projected. Hell, the whole premise of the movie is that the Earth was abandoned because it was too over-wrought with trash. Some people seem to think that such subject matter is a little to heady and overbearing for children and detracts from the fun for those that are old enough to actually question and wonder why people would do that. I think those people need to remove their heads out of their asses if it finally took a Pixar film to get people to take commentary on the kind of situation we're facing in the future if we don't start to watch ourselves and practice some more discretion.

I don't know if Global Warming is a real occurrence. I'd like to think we have enough scientific proof and measurements and a little something called "Cause and Effect" logic to make a case for it being a most likely scenario, but like the popular Anti-GW case likes to say "There's been warming periods before, this could just be another one". Sure, whatever. The basement's flooded, it could just be rain, but the fact that there's no clouds in the sky and that pipe in the corner looks busted would seem to argue otherwise, but still there's a chance, not going to dispute it. But one thing's for sure, we really just don't seem to pay attention to, or even really care about our crapulence.

In this fast food and Starbucks world, where it's so easy to just fill a corner trash can with plastic cups in the matter of an afternoon, day after day there just seems like there should be more action taken. I'm not sure what, obviously if I were a smarter man I'd be getting paid big bucks to sumise what measures should be taken, but it seems rather ridiculous to me that that trash bin doesn't also have a recycling one right next to it. It seems to me that people aren't exactly going out of their way to be wasteful or unconscientious, it's just that alternatives aren't particularly available to them. If helping to reduce garbage production was as easy as seeing a can on the corner to drop their cup or can in when finished, then I'm sure a lot more people would do it. But for some reason it's not, and that scares me, because if something as easily providable as public bins for paper, plastic, etc aren't being implimented, what the hell is actually being done?

I've been thinking of this more and more recently, I don't know why. I guess I just have this thing of mine, I don't really care how people remember me, or even to be remembered, but I just don't want to be thought back on as being an asshole. And if you ask me, kind of just going about your daily activities with kind of a disregard as to what your consumption - or not even consumption, because really I don't think something as simple as a burger wrapper in the trash because you had some convenient food is something to get up in arms about - but more the lack of a train of thought in the lines of "Maybe I should save all my beer cans for recycling instead of carrying three bags of them to the trash pickup every Tuesday night" is really kind of prickish y'know? I don't ever plan on having kids, but I don't want this group of youngins that just saw that adorable little robot grow up to realize "FUCK! The movie with the Johnny #5 rip-off was right! (is it too much to hope the kids will grow up to know that reference? Yeah, probably is). Why the hell did everyone leaves this mess for us to clean up?" It's just so... irresponsible. But we seem to be allergic to that these days. Responsibilty. And that's how the wheels eventually start to come off, because someone couldn't be bothered to tighten all the lugnuts properly. So simple, and yet apparently too much effort.

Yeah, I need to bring the next post back to comics. This kind of stuff just tends to make me grumpy.


Sunday, July 6, 2008

Oh God... Carnies...

So, Thursday I let myself get taken to a Town Fair. Yeah, I know. What the fuck am I doing at a Fair? Obviously, this is not my kind of scene. One, I obviously came over dress what with still having all my teeth and whatnot. Not a great way to blend in. But still, I soldiered on. The guys really wanted to see the Clarks (the epitome of one of those "local hero" bands. Mediocre radio play due to being a maybe two-hit wonder and building a career on, well, playing Town Fair's apparently) and I had the day off and figured that maybe I should finally get out and hang with some friends and, yes, even consume some alcohol for the first time in a month. Y'know, actually be a human being for once. Besides, I went to Fair's as a kid (I think) and never really recalled any bad memories of them. Maybe there could be some fun had here...

... god was I ever wrong...

I already mentioned the teeth thing, and that wasn't an honest to god stereotype joke, that was an honest to god observation. Look up "slack-jawed" in Webster's, and you saw what half of this crowd. And the place smelled quaintly of what I could only describe as Pony and Mullet. And believe me, for those of you that can't believe that Mullet can actually be a smell, it can and it does. Now I'm confused as to how Barry Melrose hasn't been confused for a garbage fire and beaten out.

Anyways, so we're walking around looking at what the place had to offer and to avoid being sucked into the earth since this place was muddier than the set of a Gay Porn Gangbang shoot (I am a master of the imagery I am). But by god, we can for the Clarks and we're staying for the Clarks! Kill me now. So I start looking around. Do we have anything of note here? Anything slightly interesting? Well, we have food stands set up that actually increased my cholesterol just by looking at them. Fuck, if a Fair is a true testament to anything, it really is that you can deep fry just about whatever you want. And they did. I honestly don't know how anyone eats this stuff. I didn't touch a thing and yet I walked out of there a pant size bigger and needing two fillings in my teeth. Susan Powter wept...

The games were everything you'd expect. Shoot something win a prize. Throw a ball at the bottles - beer bottles mind you, this is western PA after all - win a prize. And the ring toss is self-explainatory too except you threw them at not bottle or whatnot, but knives that were wedged blade first into a rotating platform... okay, let's talk about this more. This, honestly, might have been the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. FUCKING KNIVES?! Are you kidding me? You mean I get to toss little plastic hoops on blades that some of which were the size of my fucking head for the right to take them home? And the kids can play too?!? Is this shit even legal? Fuck, you just earned my $5 right there sir. God bless America, I've never felt so Patriotic.

And the crowd, yeah let's talk about them some more. Again, I felt out of place simply because I left my beer gut at home. And my god, these really were just walking stereotypes. Well, about half of them at least, there were some normies there to be fair. But the guys wearing their sleeveless shirts and dirty tractor repairing jeans and whatnot, all acting all badass as they tried to win their girls a fucking stuffed bear while hucking baseballs at fucking empty beer bottles, if you can even call Coors Light fucking beer (word to the wise: it's not).

Oh, and their girls! Talk about their girls. Immediately I'll say this: Thank god it was raining because if the sun had been out, I'd have probably gone blind from its reflection off the bleachedness. And I don't think I've ever seen so much makeup caked on human beings before since the last time I accidentally ended up watching Nancy Grace on the television (which, mark it down now, that bitch is getting hers soon). It's like they fucking woke up that morning, showered, plucked, bleached, etc... and then fucking loaded a cannon with some Mary Kay and opened fire on their faces. Of course, there were some cute country gals, and I'll tell you what, a cute country gal is a damn great thing to behold, but the rest looked like they could have been turned away from the pony rides because to let them on would be animal cruelty.

Oh yeah, and the Clarks fucking blow. Bad enough the highlight was a two-hitter, and that dos-bateador was working with one of the worst sound systems I've ever witnessed at a live show. And I've seen some dive-ass live shows from some punk bands that look like they all sold their sneakers to afford their amps - still better sound quality.

And then we went home and I made a gin bucket (mmm, mmm good!) and all was right with the world. Now let us never speak of this again...

Now I know how Bush fucking won his second term. God Bless America!