Monday, June 30, 2008

Sometimes, I talk to God...

Yeah, wow, I just totally baseball batted you in the face with that huh? But no, it's true, I actually do find myself time to time questioning a being that most times I'm not sure even exists, though a part of me really wants to think does if for no other reason that I'll get to call him on some shit once I kick it. And no, I'm not talking getting down on my knees and praying. In fact, I guess I more talk at him than to him because yes, I might not be all there, but I don't actually have "conversations" with the Almighty like that homeless guy on the bus who looks like he lost a leg in Nam or something sad like that. I'm not that crazy. There are voices that tell me to rain down my righteousness on those around me, but those are different voices, not God's...

...that was a joke people. Moving on... sheesh. Tough crowd...

The most common thing that I say to the man in the sky, or in the center of the Earth or fucking whatever residence he/she/it/they whatever takes up is simply this: "Good One." Because, I don't know what it is, maybe I'm just that observant, maybe I for some reason think the Lord likes to play little games with me because I'm "special" or some shit, but my life is one of weird coincidences and irony. When something randomly happens to people, some odd little coincidence, some little twist of fate or what have you, someone normal would probably just think "Oh, just my luck!" or something along those lines... I just happen to think God, if one even exists that is, gets his jollies by playing little practical jokes on me. Arrogant huh?

It's been a stressful week. I finally can't take it anymore; the singleness, the sexual frustration, the soreness from working and lifting all week - I decide to have a cigarette (ooo, that sounds good right now) to take off the edge. I walk outside for that sweet little five minutes of release and... a rain drop hits me right in the middle of my forehead... its brothers and sisters soon come cascading down... Good One.

I walk through the aisles of the bookstore, iPod earbuds pumping some Alkaline Trio into my cranium. Only casually paying attention I turn the corner to see a cute little geek girl perusing some Trades in the comic aisle (and yes, this has happened before). At first I assume this is some manifestation of my pathetitude (copyright by me) but I hold back and see how this unfolds. She grabs a couple books and goes and has a seat. By herself. There she is, sitting and reading, sitting and reading. Five minutes go by. Ten. I'm off doing my own shuffling through some books, but keeping an eye on the prize. This is it. It's all lineup for me. Time to say hi. I have the perfect opening. I can do this. I can... wait... who's that guy coming up to her? Is he taking my catch? Is he... oh my, they're awfully friendly for some people that just have met. Real friendly. In fact... SON OF A BITCH!!!

... Good one

Sometimes he plans longterm too. Something simple like I might say "Good thing such and such didn't happen today here at work" and, to a normal person they might turn around and bam! There's that little jinx staring them right in the face. Just a little bad luck. It happens.

Not me. Nope. Mine will stretch out for weeks. A month later, there it is. At the most inopportune time possible and with the maximum potential for me hating my life. You dirty son of a bitch, you always get me right when I finally drop something out of my head don't you? Patient bastard. Can't help but respect that now can I?

I guess if this were the time for you to finally size me up for a straight jacket this would be it for even having typed all this, but I swear I'm not crazy. Mostly that's as far as it goes. "Good One". Yeah, on my more angry or,* ahem*, intoxicated days I'll get aggitated and start questioning the skies. Why the fuck can't you cut us a break? Why are those kids over there starving? Why are you letting these assholes fuck over those they deem "below them" just because they have the money and power to do so? One date! Why the fuck can't you just let me have one fucking date you asshole?!? What did I ever do to you? I'm a nice guy! I treat everyone around me with respect and compassion, how about a little over here for me buddy? JUST FOR ONCE CAN'T YOU FUCKING!.....

...wait...

... did that girl just look at me? Oooooo, she's cute. That's some nice work there partner. Glasses. Tattoos. Creamy skin. Alright, now we're talking! I accept your little apology. Let's just mosey on over and... oh, she's got a little chick friend. Eh, I guess I'll have to do a little work to get into this conversation but nothing I can't... My, they seem awfully friendly... really friendly...

OH YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!!

...


.... Good one...


Cheers...

2 comments:

Anil said...

I really liked this post. More guys than you can imagine relate.

splintrdmind said...

I do the same thing, man. Seriously.